Coronavirus Dispatch from an American Explorer

By Janine Furtado

Disclaimer: The following article should be taken as satire. It depicts
a fictitious situation told from the perspective of a Karen, in which
Americans are discriminated against and blamed for being carriers of coronavirus by virtue of their “Americanness”.

Do you remember back in the good old days, before this pandemic eons ago, when we Americans were free of problems and could roam this planet without a care in the world, doing whatever we wanted? Well I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but now things are different. Because not only do we Americans still have to fend off coronavirus in our own country, but now, whenever we travel abroad, all these foreigners assume that just because our passport is blue or our accent sounds vaguely upspeak “valley girl” whenever we want to speak to customer service, that we probably are COVID carriers and so we shouldn’t be allowed into virtually any other country.

I, for one, think that this is utterly ridiculous.

I hate to say it, but it’s even worse for us white Americans these days. My heart really goes out to all my fellow white people for their pain and suffering. Not only do we wrongly get blamed for coronavirus, but we are also being harassed in the streets and victimized by the international press with these frankly rude and terrible stereotypes that are all fake news in my opinion.

I mean just the other day, the Prime Minister of Vietnam, Nguyễn Xuân Phúc – whose name I’m not even going to try to pronounce because I know everyone will conspire against me to paint me as a racist – got on air to say that he’s no longer allowing Americans into his country. Verbatim, here is a translated version of what he said:

“They’re getting on their planes and sending the worst of their kind over. The drug dealers, the old male sex tourists, and especially those white ones that walk around without masks and throw temper tantrums in supermarkets while wildly waving their guns in the air, demanding personalized attention for their shopping experiences.”

Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister of Vietnam? No, that is not us. I’ll have you know that I have at least five white friends and none of us own guns.

Since when did we become the virus? Whatever happened to calling this the “Chinese virus” and blaming Asian folks for everything? I thought we agreed on this. Did that fall out of fashion after month 4 of the pandemic? If so, can we bring that back, please? Can we return 2020? Hold on, let me get my receipt, it’s in this purse somewhere.

Honestly though, the problem has gotten so bad, that my European friends told me that even they are now getting mistaken for Americans. People automatically assume that anyone white is most probably from what they’re now calling the “The Plague States of America”. Seriously, that is what they’re calling us these days! The Plague States of America. The audacity of these foreigners, I tell you.

And you want to know why? It’s because all that these foreigners watch is that TV show, Friends. It’s the only media that these international people know about. Foreigners can be so narrow-minded these days, I swear.

Anyway, my European friends told me that even using non-American languages doesn’t work. Just last week, my white German friend in Africa told me he dropped ice cream on himself at the beach, so he put on his best German accent (while speaking German, of course) and went to go ask someone for a tissue. The person ran away in fear shouting, “Coronavirus!” while pointing at the stain on his pants.

Another white friend? She was kicked out of a restaurant in Turkey, and essentially told to ‘go back to where she came from’ after she held her fork the “American way” and not the “Ottoman way” for “fear of contamination” apparently.

I’m sorry, what? This is absolutely insane behavior! We live in 2020!

I, personally, have been deeply affected by this unfair treatment. I was planning on going to Cabo, Mexico for vacation… but the Mexican government won’t let us cross the border anymore. I mean, who does the rest of the world think it is, going around saying that Americans can’t come and live or vacation in their country? They keep repeating this same tired phrase –- that we’re all these filthy coronavirus immigrants escaping an infectious zombie apocalypse with guns ablazin’, but I promise you we’re not!

What’s next, that the Canadians build a northern wall? That we’re all anti-vaxxers? White supremacists? Dumb?

Honestly, I don’t have the patience for this anymore. This is putting a major dent in my travel plans. The world is a truly cruel place that is conspiring against us Americans right now, and I’d like to speak to the manager.

Thank you, I’ll wait.

Featured photo from Pixabay